Thursday, September 20, 2012

How to get your family ready for church

Been there, done that. Been there, done that.

How do you get your family out the door? On days you're trying to get them to school and yourself to work? I sometimes think I could conserve my energy if I just had a looped recording I could play of myself saying "put your shoes on, brush your teeth, eat your breakfast and don't forget your glasses".

The instructions below were written by a friend of mine years ago, but they sound oh so familiar to my mornings. How about yours? Any tips of your own?

How to get your family ready for church:

1.     Wake up with joy, knowing you live in a free country and can worship with your family at the church of your choice.
2.    Wake up your three beautiful children, listen to the sounds of your husband singing hymns in the shower, and set Cocoa Krispies on the table.
3.    Tell oldest child to get in the shower and youngest to feed the cat.
4.    Start to put on your hose.
5.    Explain to middle child the milk is where it always is—top shelf of refrigerator.
6.    Demand to know who drank all the milk and put the empty bottle back in the refrigerator.
7.    Stick two Pop-Tarts in the toaster.
8.    Repeat Step 3.
9.    Repeat Step 4.
10.    Burn finger while pulling Pop-Tarts out of toaster.  Slam tarts on plate and toss on table.
11.    Feed cat.
12.    Tell oldest child there is not time for a shower and to eat a Pop-Tart.
13.    Tell youngest child to stop playing with the cat and get dressed.
14.    Ask oldest child why he ate both Pop-Tarts and did not let his sister eat the other one.
15.    Apologize that there are no more Pop-Tarts.  Convince middle child to eat dry cereal—dry.
16.    Repeat Step 4.
17.    Tell oldest child to stop telling middle child how good the Pop-Tarts were.  Repeat Step 13.
18.    Ask middle child to help youngest get dressed.
19.    Tell oldest to go easy on the hair gel and youngest and middle child to stop arguing.
20.    Repeat Step 4.
21.    Assist middle child in overpowering younger child and slip dress over her head.  Explain it will not feel scratchy when it is buttoned.
22.    Tell oldest to let middle child in the bathroom.
23.    Take dress off youngest child and put on t-shirt instead.
24.    Repeat Step 22.
25.    Get bobby pin out and pick lock on bathroom door, evict oldest child, tell middle child bathroom is free.
26.    Open a can of beanie weenies for youngest child to eat. Repeat Step 4.
27.    Move cat away from spilled beanie weenies.  Tell youngest to take off dirty t-shirt and put dress back on.
28.    Say loudly that you don’t give a flyin’ flip that the dress is scratchy—or that she is hungry.
29.    Tell oldest child to stop telling youngest child how good the Pop-Tarts were.
30.    Tell middle child to get out of the bathroom.
31.    Repeat Step 4.
32.    Husband emerges freshly dressed from the shower.
33.    Yank scratchy dress over head of youngest child and tie the bow much tighter than necessary.
34.    Yell at kids to go get in the car and tell their father to stop honking the horn.  You’ll be there when you are good and ready.
Credit: Donna Hester

Amy McCall is a Marketing Manager for Texas Health Resources and Mom to one imaginative daughter.

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