Part Four: A New Beginning
(Also see "Maybe baby" Part One, Part Two and Part Three.)
I left off last time with a need to control something. Needing something within my reach.
I was being dealt a lesson that everything is not in my control.
So I retreated from the concept of having a baby and decided to get really selfish. Focus completely on me. I would work out, watch my diet and get really skinny and in shape. If losing a bunch of weight didn’t tempt fate to get me pregnant, then what would? So that's exactly what I did. I worked out, cut calories and lost about 30 pounds. I got lots of accolades about my weight loss. Who doesn’t like that? Even though some comments were starting to turn into, “Okay, that’s enough, Makala. You are getting too skinny.” Hey, at least I was controlling something. Ha! Take that infertility! I couldn’t control you, but look, I found something I can control!
At the time I was in a job that required me to visit physician offices on a daily basis. As you can imagine, this included some time spent in the waiting room. I will never forget the day I was sitting in an office in Downtown Dallas and picked up a magazine to flip through to pass the time. I stumbled on to an article about infertility so of course I read it. The sentence I will never forget was:
“Receiving a diagnosis of infertility is very similar to receiving a cancer diagnosis.”
I kept reading, and it made so much sense. It explained how you go through the stages of grief with a diagnosis of cancer and you do the same with infertility. For the first time in two and a half years all of this made sense to me. This is exactly what I had been doing.
Step one: Denial
Remember my search for answers? I was in denial that infertility had crept into our lives and determined that there had to be a solution and this could not be true.
Step two: Anger
Remember my mention of the anger and bitterness I was starting to feel, especially of those around me who were happily expecting?
Step three: Bargaining
I assure you I had done this not only with God but with my doctors: Maybe if we go to church more, or pray more? and Just one more round of Clomid! Sounds silly, right?
Step four: Depression
I don’t think I specifically mentioned this, but I definitely had my moments of feeling sad and bursting into tears. And I am someone who likes to keep control of my emotions. (There’s that control word again!)
Step five: Acceptance
Here I was. I can’t explain it, but sitting in that office reading the article brought it all full circle. Amazing how sometimes if you just understand the why of your emotions it can help tremendously.
After that day it was all different. I was different. After that day I realized the importance of the journey that God had put me through. I learned that everything is not within my control and I had now learned the true definition of faith.
That was the point we looked hard at what we did have: Josh and Nathan. That was the point we made the move toward putting all that we had into the children we did have in our lives. We moved to Keller and started a new beginning. My Eight Doors Down blog entry explains where we are today.
Who knows what’s next for us. One thing I have learned is to never say never. So until next time!
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