Friday, April 5, 2013
Perhaps it was just wishful thinking that after all we’d been through it would be smooth sailing from here on out. After all, we went through so many tears and trials getting to this point I should have the easiest pregnancy ever, right?
In the first few weeks I found myself cherishing every moment of this journey. Sure vomiting isn’t fun, but every time it happened or a wave of nausea hit I got a freakish smile. Stumbling out of bed every couple hours to go the bathroom prompted a sigh but by the end of the sigh it turned up on a happy note.
But while I’m cherishing the moments I also find myself absolutely terrified. Maybe that’s what all first time Moms feel. But if symptoms go away for hours or even a day I start to panic that something is wrong. A little cramping and I try to stretch out and rest. I’m living for the doctor’s appointments to see the sonogram and can’t wait for once our baby starts moving so I have some tangible way of tracking his or her progress.
On a recent morning it was too much and my happy vibe went away.
I’d been up every two hours all night going to the bathroom – a pattern that has been in play for weeks now. I woke up really nauseous. I had to unexpectedly stop for gas (cue more nausea at the pump). I burst into tears at a story on the radio 10 minutes into my commute. Halfway through I realized that another side effect of this very wanted pregnancy had made my bra too small and I was in for an uncomfortable day. My smoothie packed with nutrients that tasted good as I snuck a taste while making it started making me gag. I had to alternate a sip of my nutritious spinach and blueberry packed smoothie with Sour Patch Kids, thereby undoing the “healthy” breakfast attempt. Another radio story prompted tears. I began wondering if I was losing my mind. And this was all before I arrived at work.
I made so many promises to God that if only we could get pregnant I would (insert many promises here) that I find myself feeling like I have no right to complain. I begged for these symptoms so I should suck it up and enjoy them, right? If my time battling infertility taught me anything it’s that many women have faced more struggles than I and would in a fraction of a heartbeat happily trade places with me. So what right do I have to complain?
After a little perspective that morning, a rant via text to my husband about all that I was feeling and reassuring response back from him, I realized that regardless of how we reached this point of the journey I deserve to have as normal a pregnancy as my body will allow. And that includes being frustrated occasionally and for sure giving into the tears as my hormones ping pong all over the spectrum. After all, that’s normal right?
Jennifer Erickson is a Sr. Public Relations Specialist with Texas Health Resources who is almost 13 weeks pregnant after a more than two-year journey trying to get pregnant.