Waiting by the phone

Our day had come, it was a Wednesday afternoon and I knew that about this time, CPS would be looking through our Lifebook which I had meticulously prepared all weekend. To add to the nervousness, CPS would make a decision this very day.  Only three little things would help them learn about our family. That’s it: three little things that consisted of our life book, our home study and the verbal overview of our family by our placement agency. This is all CPS had to go by in order to make a decision on Caroline’s future and our family.

Later that day, around 5:30 p.m., I received a call from our placement agency. She shared with me they had finished reviewing our Lifebook. She said that CPS wasn’t going to make a decision today as they had planned and they will make their family selection for Caroline in the next few days.  There was a delay in the family selection decision because of some unforeseen issues that had risen earlier in the morning that would involve a court hearing and everything was at a halt.

As days passed by we didn’t receive a phone call and when my phone did ring, I had it answered before it rang the second time. As the days passed by, I started to come to the realization that we were not chosen to be Caroline’s forever family.  As crazy as it sounds, the thoughts of having a daughter, imagining her growing up, first dance recital, and attending father daughter dances all faded.  Still there was this slight glimmer that maybe, things are just moving slower than expected and I should remain positive.  The emotional “what if” roller coaster was in full effect and our biological children, family, extended family, and friends were on this roller coaster with us. Our children were asking when we could bring Caroline home despite my many attempts of trying to explain to them that there are other families who want to love her too and there are adults who have to make the decision.

This past Friday, at 2:40pm after waiting 9 days, I received the news from our placement agency.  As I answered the phone, she said: “Christy, your family was not chosen. I know it doesn’t make you feel any better but they said it was a hard choice”.  Those two little sentences were crushing. The dreams I had had for Caroline to be a part of our family and all the things we wanted to do together wasn’t going to become a reality.  As I sat there with my husband who was with me at the time (thankfully, as he’s my rock!) I looked up at him and said we didn’t get her. We both just sat there not saying a word but knowing what the other was thinking.

As I said in my last blog, before I knew the outcome of CPS decision, I still believe that Caroline deserves to be in a loving and safe home that every child deserves to be in, even if she’s not with us.

I truly hope and pray that she is in a home that will love and protect her and this is what helps give me peace.

Christy Benson is the director of Clinical Informatics Analysis & Measurement for Texas Health Resources, Mom to two boys and Foster Mom.